The
other day I was on my phone fueling my perfectly healthy addiction to Tumblr,
when my phone starts ringing. Technically, it was vibrating since I refuse to
be that person who has their volume turned up so high that everyone and their
mother can hear it ringing. Actually, now that I think about it, I keep it on
vibrate because I never want to become my mother. You see, she says that she
can’t hear very well, but I believe that she has a deep-seated need to keep her
volume on the loudest setting known to humankind. And let me tell you, even
though she has a mediocre phone, that thing has speakers and subwoofers that
would make God jealous. On top of that, she chose the ringtone responsible for
every single bad thing that has ever happened on this green Earth and, since her
friends have no sense when it is appropriate to call, her phone goes off
several times during the night. I’ve actually stopped trying to get 3 hours of
sleep because as soon as I begin to drift off, her phone is like, “HA HA HA. Not on my watch. LET ME PLAY YOU THE SONG OF MY
PEOPLE.” Then in morning, my mom asks me, “Oh Ali, what time did you go to
sleep? You look horrible and exhausted.” I have to lay there for a few
minutes, half dead, glaring at her through sleep-deprived eyes before I can say,
“Didn’t you hear your phone go off ten times last night, mom? Cause I did.” To
which she’ll reply, “I don’t see how that pertains to you not getting enough
sleep. Stop making excuses.” Lately, my mom has been receiving more calls than
telemarketers make in a week. So, throughout the day, the house will randomly
start shaking. You know, plates rattling, picture frames falling off walls, the
roof caving in.. and every time this happens my dad will come rushing into my
room, out of breath, completely flustered, screaming, “WAS THAT ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE?”
and I’m like, “No dad, that was just mom’s phone ringing..” “Ali, stop lying to
your father. I’m calling NASA. These earthquakes are not natural.” We’re lucky
we have such good insurance. When I’m out in public with my family, I tell my
mom to put her phone on silent and she’s always like, “Oh Ali, don’t be such
worry scurry rat. No one can hear it.” Five minutes later, her phone goes off
and the aftermath results is everyone having permanent hearing damage in a 10,000
mile radius, countless reports of people’s heads exploding, Japan just got hit
by a tsunami, and a portal to hell opened up in Kansas and there are demons
running around like there’s no tomorrow. “Did I do that?”
Anyway,
at first, I had no idea what was happening, then I realized that someone was
calling me and I became unnecessarily angry with that person for interrupting
me mid-reblog. Then I get a notification saying that they left me a voicemail.
A voicemail. Excuse me, but I don’t
have time to listen to your annoying voice. Okay? Who leaves voicemails anyway?
The only people who are allowed to leave a message are my grandparents, but they’re
a special case because they had to return their home phone to the store because
they thought it was too complicated to use. But you know what, they don’t even
leave a message, they just keep calling and calling until someone picks up, and
if no one picks up the home phone, you know that my mom’s phone is going to be
causing a couple natural disaster soon. You see, I just don’t understand the idea
in having a voicemail. People rarely call me and it’s not like having one will
magically make folks desire to chat with me. Heck, I won’t even answer. And have
you ever tried to record a voicemail greeting? I swear to god, that is the utmost
stressful processes in the universe. One day I tried to record a flawless salutation.
It started out as, “Hello?............ Just kidding, I’m not actually here. Why
the crap are you calling me anyways?” It took me 5 hours and it’s basically 2
and a half minutes of me ranting about how greatly I hate voicemail greetings.
I literally needed to punch everyone who decided to call instead of text me in
the throat for the next 2 months. So uh yeah, if you ever feel like calling me,
don’t. In fact, I’ll block your number. In conclusion, shout out to Apple for
making blocking my entire contact list possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment